Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
