You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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