I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
