I haven't been this sober since birth.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
