i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
