Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.