I smell stomach acid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.