Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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