Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
