Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
