that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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