: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
