You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
