apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hippo gnu deer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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