wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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