I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
