She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
