my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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