I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
