At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
