Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
