i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
