I cannot find my penis.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
