Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
