We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
