i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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