Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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