Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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