I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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