All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
