He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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