Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
