I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
