god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
