things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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