I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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