i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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