I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
