im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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