If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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