Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
