I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
