saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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