i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
