I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
