why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
