party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
