How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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