i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i dont even know how to be here
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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