Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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