So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
