frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
