Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
