You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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