I hate your face
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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