Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
